Headline

• Itsy Bitsy Spider’s Climatic Climb Deemed Suicidal Stunt By Mainstream Media

  Introduction

• Across the nation, news anchors are clutching their pearls and turning blue in the face over a shocking and asinine event. A spider—yes, a spider—dared to hoist itself up a water spout attached to none other than the White House. Cue the panic, because naturally, this act is being spun as a suicide attempt by the poor arachnid or worse, an assassination plot involving Pikachu and a Kabuto costume.

  Body

DarkHumor

• As Americans tuned in to 24-hour news cycles, they were greeted by headlines screaming in desperation. ‘Eight-legged assassin targets Oval Office!’ they proclaimed, ignoring the fact that Itsy Bitsy was more likely just following a water trail and less likely a card-carrying member of Team Rocket.

  Facts

• Studies show that spiders are largely indifferent to political affairs and do not possess a predisposition towards depression. In fact, 90% of spider climbs lead to nothing more dangerous than a delicious fly trap or an unfortunate misunderstanding with a garden sprinkler.

  OptimisticTurn

• But let’s not jump to conclusions before considering more optimistic theories. Perhaps Itsy Bitsy was simply trying for a world-record climb, aiming to inspire other spiders globally to reach new heights, literally and metaphorically. Consider the bravery it took to scale what must have seemed like the Everest of water spouts.

  Conclusion

• As the spider waves triumphant from the pinnacle of its watery Everest, we must consider the lessons here. Courage comes in many forms—even arachnid. Instead of attributing sinister motives, let this story inspire us: Take risks, climb your spouts, and shake off the rain. If a tiny spider can spark such controversy with one harmless climb, imagine what you can do with a little ambition and a lot less sensationalism.